Samuel 3:10 “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.”

May 21, 2025 I took my friend up on her suggestion. I was at the end of the rope and was either going to mentally break or tie the knot and let God intervene. She said go on a walk. No devices or electronics. Just you and nature. Get quiet in your head and pray, “Your servant is listening. God, Please speak.”.

It took a while to keep my brain from thinking or random thoughts popping in my head. But then it happened. The quiet….followed by the faintest, “You asked for rest, I’m giving you rest. I’m going to give you the rest your heart has been desperate for.”

That was a year ago! I can NOW clearly see what God meant as rest. It wasn’t a vacation by the beach. It was His abundant life. It’s a life of overflowing joy, inner peace, eternal salvation and a relationship with God regardless of the circumstances of life. It was definitely a different life than what I had been living.

I was knocking on the door of burnout. ignored all the warning signs of burnout at work. I was on my 5th boss in less than 3 years. Having to prove myself, yet again. The company was chaotic. I was doing the work of 3 directors. How could I be spiralling after a year in trauma therapy? Oh…because my nervous system could no longer sustain the cost of surviving through over performing any longer. Therapy had exposed the cost of over-functioning. All the survival strategies I had picked up over my lifetime have also been applied to how I function in my career.

Most of my survival tactics were rewarded by the corporate environment in general. Who wouldn’t want an employee who was:

• Responsible
• Competent
• Resilient
• Loyal
• Achieving
• Showed emotional control
• Adaptable

Unfortunately, it also rewarded the people-pleasing, perfectionist who was so hungry for approval and belonging. So I was also:

• Over-functioning (got to be perfect and in control)
• Tolerated dysfunction (it was my normal, I understand chaos)
• Ignored bodily needs (self abandonment)
• Anticipated problems (hyper hypervigilant, yes it’s a thing)
• Carried the weight of others (did not stay in my lane and did work others dropped)
• Self-sacrificed without complaint (that’s how I ended up doing the work of 3 directors)
• Achievement-driven self-worth (do you see me now?)

These are the “life skills” that were developed and have existed from my earlier life experiences. I thought I had nipped them in the bud with all the trauma therapy work a few years prior! Nay. Nay.

Turns out, trauma recovery begins dismantling the adaptations that once allowed me to survive high-pressure environments and begins to restore healthy connections. This process takes time for a person to begin to feel safe and relate to emotions, their limits, grief, anger, exhaustion, unmet needs, and personal truth. The body and mind are working together to rewire new patterns of dealing with the external stressors, which means there’s no more hiding behind the old strategies. Unfortunately, part of healing is realizing your old patterns no longer work and a revolt forms in your body. I introduce to you, Burnout.

Burnout

Months leading up to that walk with God the stress at work had become the cherry on top of a lifelong survival shit sundae. It’s like I ate the ice cream of my sundae by working on my family of origin tramas and my personal tramas, but left the relationship with work as the cherry sitting in the bottom of the bowl covered in melted ice cream and sauces.

That cherry was a cherry bomb! After years of leadership turnover, projects started, stopped and never completed, urgency culture, watching consultants come in, being paid millions, to say the same things I had already suggested, I broke. There was no more ability for me to conjure the strength of those once trusty survival skills. So it was my body that started taking the hit. I ignored heart palpitations, exhaustion, headaches, illnesses, pain in the liver area, extreme reflux, and digestive issues.

May 25th, just 4 days after my walk with God, he gave me rest in the form of a hospital room. I had emergency gallbladder removal and the next day a ERCP (Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography) to remove a rouge gall stone.

I Give You Rest

The body enforces what the spirit requires. God saw my heart longing for different, for rest. I heard His whisper. Unfortunately, I learned that it’s not in my strength where rest comes from, but in God’s. The halt came from physically putting my body in a hospital bed followed by recovery. This was not just physical recovery, but deeper and more meaningful mental and spiritual recovery.

I dedicated the recovery time to intentional time with God. I needed His guidance to a different pace in life. I realized after being away from work and no longer living day-to-day in survival mode, opened my eyes to a lifetime of striving and self abandonment. I found peace in the quiet moments with God. This peace is so precious and it is worth fighting for.

I decided after my FMLA ended I would submit my resignation. I was going to take the leap of faith that God had something better for me. He said so.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

A day before FMLA was over, I spoke with HR. The company was restructuring the organization. They were flattening the director roles. They gave me an option to re-apply for my job since they needed to change my title or take a severance. I decided to take the severance. I never had to go back to work there. They put me on administrative leave for a couple weeks with pay. After which, the severance was paid.

God showed up. Where I could no longer do for myself, He provided not just rest, but provision. Burnout is now engagement. He has shown me love and attunement to my needs. I was his grumpy child who just needed a nap. I dedicated this time he provided as a sabbatical to get to really know my Jesus. Being still at the foot of God has been the best decision I’ve ever made.