I’m caught between two worlds and feeling scared to fail in either place. It’s been a year since I’ve been out of work and the fear and worry of where provision is coming from is louder than it’s ever been. There… I’ve confessed.

I have faith that God will provide. The fact I’m a year into this no work thing is actually a HUGE miracle in itself. I’ve been intentionally working on trusting God and walking away from hyper-independence for provision. I’ve called it out as an idol because my mind constantly wanders to lack of money and worry way more often than it does to God as my provider. When the thought of lack or scarcity pops into my mind, I do my best to capture it and remind myself that God is in control. He loves me and prospers me. He is for me and provides for today. I’m more valuable than birds. However…

Today, I awake to the old familiar friend, anxiety. My first waking thoughts are not thanking God for another day, but how am I going to pay my bills and make money. Yuck. I roll out of bed and make some coffee and dive into the Bible.

Luke 9:57-62 has my attention. It’s about the cost of following Jesus. Multiple people have approached Jesus to follow him and every single one is not willing to let go of their comforts or obligations. In verse 62, Jesus says something about putting a hand to a plow and not looking back. Yes, Lord, you have my attention.

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62 (NIV)

So what is all this talk about a plow and putting a hand on it? Well, it’s a metaphor using the example of the ancient Scratch Plow. This was a primitive wooden agricultural tool which was highly unstable. It relied entirely on the physical strength of the farmer to hold it steady. A farmer had to look forward at all times to ensure there was no uneven planting or unplanned snags on a rock that could damage the plow, the animal pulling it or the human, which could cause economic ruin.

It’s a warning about how looking back to our past habits, our comforts or worldly comparisons, rather than relying entirely on the Holy Spirit’s present power can create a divided loyalty and breeds self-righteousness. That sounds harsh, and it is. It’s basically saying I’ll rely on myself instead of the God of the universe.

Looking back is when we become hyper-independent by relying on our own strength. We return to our old patterns of control rather than trusting the transformative power of God actively working inside us.

Looking Back Restricts God’s Power

Ah, so the anxiety I woke up to just may be the plow going off course. Instead of realizing the anxiety was telling me I was looking back onto my own power to appease the worry of lack, I took it on in my own strength, totally forgetting where God has brought me. Just like the Israelites in the desert who wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt because they missed the predictable food, I reminisced on the “good old days” of working and making predictable money.

Let’s be honest, money promises immediate short-term control. The hyper-independent in me knows she can just go look at job listings and just jump back into the workforce and “go back to what I know”.

The longer I sit here attempting to craft this future all on my own, I become physically ill. My body remembers the stress and burnout. It remembers the system of comparison where my worth was measured by titles or output. In this context of “putting my hand to the plow,” looking back feels like walking right back into the trap of self-reliance, comparison and all the heavy burdens I’ve already surrendered.

I don’t want to walk away from all the growth and transformation gained from sitting daily with God over the past year. I want His peace more than I want all that has been tied to hyper-independence and self-provision. I’ve tasted a different kind of peace than I’ve ever known before. It’s the peace that comes from reliance on God. But how do I break the patterns and fears from a lifetime of control?

Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Just like plowing a field, it’s going to take hard work and eyes on God to tear down this idol. To turn this around it’s going to take retraining of the mind and spirit. Here’s some things I will attempt to do.

1. Repent of the Burden, Not Just the Action: Bring the hyper-independence to God. Tell Him: “Lord, I confess I have treated myself as my own provider. I resign from being the lord of my finances. Please carry this weight.”
   
   I’m praying this a lot as I continue to find myself running to “fix all the things” as the self-sufficient person I’ve always been. Instead of feeling guilty for being unable to fix it, I will see it as “godly grief” (2 Corinthians 7:10), which reminds us to run to Jesus and bask in His mercy every time we take control back. Yes, you can pray this over and over and over.
   
2. Accept “Daily Manna” Instead of a Storehouse: Hyper-independence demands a five-year plan and a massive savings account to feel safe. God often provides exactly enough for today (Matthew 6:11) to teach us dependency which comes from repetition. Shift your focus to asking for, and trusting Him for, just the next 24 hours.
   • Invite the Holy Spirit to take control of the day, recognizing that I cannot successfully do it on my own.
   • Today we focus on the needs for the day only.
   • Take time to read the Bible to learn who God is and His character. It helps to trust Him when you know His deep love for His creations.
   • When stress creeps in and the body tightens up, use ‘breath prayers’. Example… Breathe in, “The Lord is my shepherd”. And breathe out, “I shall not want”.
   • Talk to God about what you are feeling and listen for His response.
   • Watch for God to show up throughout the day and be grateful. It may be as simple as, “I’m grateful God traded my anxiety with His peace over 50 times today.” See! God does show up. He is trustworthy. (Write it in a journal so you can look back on it.)
     
3. Practice Interdependence: Hyper-independence hates asking for help. Break the idol by letting people know you are in a season of transition. Sometimes God’s provision doesn’t drop from heaven; it comes through the community we are usually too proud to lean on.
   
4. Separate Work from Worth: Remind yourself daily that your financial output does not equal your value to the Kingdom. You are a child of God, not a corporate unit of production. Feel free to read God’s Love Letter as a reminder of how much you are loved by the God of the universe. I guarantee you will never see anything like that from a business.

I Want Bone-Deep Faith

I understand this is a process of retraining from a lifetime of surviving. Transitioning from a mental agreement of change to “bone-deep” faith often requires corresponding actions. I want the kind of faith in action where I feel it in my bones; where it’s just who I am. To get to this point I know that I will have to “surrender the plow daily”, ask God for His grace to trust Him more, and I need to put this faith in motion and act “as if” I believe His word is true.

My prayer is that by keeping our hand to the plow and looking forward we create a habit of focusing on God for our provision. We’re preparing the soil and noticing the seeds being planted by God’s faithfulness, which will yield a beautiful harvest of peace and dependency on Him only. Day by day, row by row, we know what we need to do to turn our eyes and anxieties back to God. Here’s to a great harvest!