As I was enjoying my morning time with God, I found myself convicted, and then questioned the conviction, based on my struggles with codependency brought on by C-PTSD. I was reading along on in Matthew 25:31-46. This is the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats. (It still shocks me how some stories still feel new after 20+ years of being a Christian). This parable describes the final judgment where Jesus separates humanity based on how they treated the vulnerable (“the least of these”). The “sheep”, those who accept Jesus, inherit the kingdom for feeding, clothing, and visiting the needy which identify these actions as serving Christ. Then you have the “goats” who rejected Jesus and are condemned for neglecting the needy. (Here’s a great commentary on this passage – “The sheep and the goats (Matthew 25:31-46)“) The part that caught my attention was verses 34-36.

^34-36 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what’s coming to you in this kingdom. It’s been ready for you since the world’s foundation. And here’s why:

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.’

^37-40 “Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:34-36 (MSG)

That line, “Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me – you did it to me”, kicked me in the gut. Fear came over me that I may be failing as a ‘sheep’. My brother is technically homeless and broke. My parents have rescued him. I cut off communications with him again due to rage-baiting and manipulation. Fear turned into jealousy. Underneath it all I was feeling anger and jealousy towards my parents for taking him in and caring for him when I was pushed out for my secret sins of pregnancy that lead to an adoption. I felt broken and like such a burden.

I took a moment to pause to question what I was feeling. I was actually feeling something deeper. I was feeling grief over the unequal care between me and my brother.

So what is this section really saying?

Matthew 25 says the ‘sheep’ are recognized for responding to human need with compassion of feeding, clothing, visiting, and caring. Compassion is not the same thing as enabling, absorbing abuse, participating in deception, or surrendering yourself to the chaos of dysfunction. Even Jesus showed compassion with truth and boundaries. He healed people (Mark 10:46-52), fed people (Matthew 14:13-21), confronted hypocrisy (Mark 11:15-18), and walked away from manipulative traps and hostile crowds (John 8:59). The initial conviction was not asking me to abandon discernment or boundaries. Love does not mean tolerating what harms me or using spirituality to override legitimate boundaries.

Do I have compassion for my brother? I do. I don’t want to see him suffer. I want better for him. I’ve attempted communication and have engaged. I’ve sent recovery resources. But this last time was different because I was not willing to trade my peace to excuse poor behavior. This time I stopped allowing myself to be emotionally consumed by the failure of another to operated properly in a healthy relationship. This is different from failing God.

By accepting that my compassion was not enablement, it allowed me to move to the deeper root issues of jealousy that is coming from a younger self who was still grieving, “So he gets sheltered, housed, rescued, tolerated…while I was exiled?”. Maybe my jealousy deserves some compassion? I think it’s saying, “I wish someone had fought for me like that.” Huh…that sounds like the ache of unmet care.

When I look this through the lense of compassion I see more than envy or resentment. This emotion is carrying grief, deprivation, longing and the pain of unequal care that comes from the experience of younger me. I get to take this opportunity to respond to myself the way Matthew 25 instructs. To not overlook but sit with the unmet need and give it mercy. To own the pain instead of minimizing it away. I say to my younger self, “Hi pain. Of course this hurts. Of course you feel overlooked, you deserve care too. I see you grieving. I am not going to shame you and will keep you safe. God will not overlook us or abandon us. We are loved, seen and known.”

I’m so glad I stopped to visit the conviction I was feeling. Two very important truths were unpacked. I learned to not confuse compassion with collapsing my boundaries. I also found an old would that needed attention. I know that I can have a soft heart toward people and not participate in harmful dynamics.